things will be alright, im setting my heart right

things i have been listening to

to be quiet:
sigur rós, valtari
monster cat, mannequins
leslie low, meandering loss lp
hammock
bon iver's 24:45 live recording session
instrumental (today: black piano, rachael boyd)

to be more energetic, upbeat:
feist
florence + the machine
selection from the indie rock playlist, lest the laptop hangs
morrissey memory strains

and i find the black hole besides classical - the xx!

things i have been doing

being an escapist and a child
constantly questioning
reflecting, realizing, analyzing, learning; a birthday wish at 19 should only be a year long
talking, asking, not talking, talking
being clearer on what i want, and setting my heart to it
feeling small, feeling afraid, feeling like a kid, feeling better, feeling clearer, feeling surer
being thankful, being appreciative, being in the moment this weekend
receiving visits from lady insomnia
swimming a hundred laps this week
writing posts that i may not finish
being happy for moments of mother's day and the weekend
feeling proud of wkwsci, although no one gets it when i introduce my school by the full name

things that i am thankful for

family
my mother, who does not mind the least fetching me from tmcc from a swim, who gasps at my groceries but stuffs me with bread still
my dad, who liked my muffins and takes turns being grumpy sleepy and soft sleepy in the mornings as i stumble out the room
a swim with my sister last week, and grocery shopping, and pigging out on a whole chicken and ben and jerry's after
yanni, who prepares my lunch every day, is so truly soft and happy inside, is very human
swimming
you for staying on and being patient, for making me want to live, and live properly
this few days is a turning point
a message from you telling me of your anguish, i want to be here for you, old friend
openly sharing and talking
winning a dinner at the exchange, a dinner for us and an opportunity to write and feature gac, and to be on a new team
winning the vouchers from the cocotte, having jon translate the entry into chinese and letting my mum read it this morning, knowing that she knows part of how i feel and is touched by it
seeing the surprise and touched joy when jon gave his mother the bouquet of flowers
learning so much from you and because of you this week
learning more about honoring
taking ownership at work, the peep at arts administration, own event and programmings, working with evan on the brochure, being independent, being able to learn from tt merely by working by his side, i have a lot of respect for this dude (systems and tradition vs. appreciation and heart, strong principles of what is right and wrong
eating an apple every day
morrissey concert on tuesday: he is great and gay, him being such a diva is what is special, with his persona clear and shining through, his voice still ringing after all these years. his videos made me tear and want to purge my body of meat, and in the days after i play his songs to fill the vacuum that happens after concerts
friends i know are around, sporadic exchanges and questions and answers even from overseas, even without physical meeting for ages, glad to know they are all present and know what is going on in their lives, though not in detail
glad that penq is back, too

things i have been reading

google reader subscriptions
selective parts of the straits times
graham swift, writing an elephant
tony parsons, the family way again
milan kundera, the lightness of being
julian barnes, the sense of an ending
reader's digests
brochures for designs

things i have not been doing

baking
spending time with my dad
sleeping much
writing/doodling in the black book

things that i want to do more

enjoy life, love life
enjoy life with you, with people i love, talk more
talk to my dad, mum, grandma, sister and brother more
be more responsible for my words and actions, no longer so rash nor wilful
keep in contact with loved ones
take more photographs
spend more money
all the late birthday cards and letters
travel
take a break
develop all my films
take the time needed that i have set aside since the weekend
bake more
read more
do more for the house
plan june and july, plan school (accommodation and classes)
enjoy food, slowly
document

things that i am looking forward to

actualization of things at work: brochure, feature, 2 events in july, feedback
moving in, having a clean slate, building the home in the house
starting a garden with my mum, having sunflowers out my window
all the new baking experiments
all the housewarming gatherings
all the friday evenings of wine and a movie with you
all the nights and sundays i can do weights
all the potlucks and movie screening and wii and k sessions that can happen
a new dog, finally...
being able to play the piano anytime!
buying a new macbook (air) and making it my own
buying birthday presents
developing films, creating booklets
visiting cafes for weekday brunches and coffees, talking or reading or writing
short trips to bangkok or where ever
and my brother will be back

things i have to do

not forget and fall back into inertia
not be consumed by work and not resist work
appreciate every day
get my blood flowing like a bloody waterfall